Family-Unfriendly Aesop
by RedEyedWarrior
Summary: Chris and Courtney reluctantly visit Chris's mother. VERY reluctantly. They've both had terrible childhoods but they have no choice but for Chris to face his and for Courtney to face the memories of her's.


**DISCLAIMER: I do not own _Total Drama_. Go figure.**

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><p>Chris and Courtney sat in the limo on the way to Chris's mom's house. Chris was as nervous as fuck. This was very rare, seeing how Chris is usually cheerful, though in a way that looks like he's about to do something unethical and get away with it. This time, Chris was literally sweating buckets, which was why he brought a second set of clothes and two towels. Courtney put her hand on Chris's shoulder. "Chris, there's nothing to worry about; your mom does not raise you anymore," she assured him. "Whatever is making you nervous about her, you have to remember that you are a grown man now."<p>

Chris turned to face his girlfriend. "Court, you don't understand," he replied. "My mom is a narcissistic bitch."

"Well, you're a narcissist as well," Courtney pointed out.

"Yeah, but you and I are not raising children, are we?" Chris replied.

"What about _Total Drama_?" Courtney rolled her eyes. "You've practically adopted 51 teenagers and a woman in her mid-thirties!"

"Yeah, but I'm not their father, am I?" Chris smirked. "Otherwise, wouldn't our relationship be illicit?" he added.

"Thanks for reminding me," Courtney scoffed. But Chris made a point. Chris made it clear that he never wanted to have kids and that the whole point of _Total Drama_ was money, ratings and other crazy reasons why reality shows were made, rather than an excuse to babysit tons of kids. At least Chris reminded the contestants now and again that he was not a role-model for anyone, especially not for them. He even encouraged them to keep in contact with their families. Most of them didn't, and a lot of them were on the show because they were shallow morons who cared more about the money and the attention than they did about their families and friends from home (and a few more contestants had legitimate reasons to be as far away from their families as possible, so Chris couldn't blame them). Plus, they should've read the contracts. They were informed that they'd be treated like shit before the show even began.

Chris, on the other hand, was born to a conniving, narcissistic gold-digger who married a rich man, made false claims of domestic abuse against him, divorced him, claimed sole custody of Chris and took virtually all of the man's money, driving him to suicide. All of this happened when Chris was two and he grew up having his mother blaming him for her problems and manipulating him by playing the "I raised you" cards. This was why he avoided her at all costs and rarely ever speaks to her. She got no comeuppance from her actions because this never got media attention, the judge was a male and horny (he did get his retributions though, after a woman intentionally ran him over with her car "just cos" and he just happened to be in the vicinity at the time) and the people around Chris's mother were just as horrible and she was a bitch in sheep's clothing to the rest.

Courtney had a childhood similar to Chris's, except it was her father who raised her. He was a sociopathic politician who regularly cheated on his wife. Then on Courtney's fifth birthday, she came home to find her mother getting dragged kicking and crying away from the house by the police. The CIT would never forget the moment her mother noticed her and called out to her, only for the police to shush her and take her away. Like Chris's father, Courtney's mother was framed for domestic abuse and was thrown in jail, never allowed to see her daughter again. The judge in the case was a horny female, who also got her retribution after a male driver ran her over just because he felt like it. Courtney's father was a narcissistic twat who pulled the same bullshit as Chris's mother did. Fortunately, Courtney's aunts and uncles (especially even the paternal ones) found this to be unacceptable when they found out the truth and Courtney's father was arrested and subsequently imprisoned for a long time, but Courtney's mother ended up receiving the same fate as Chris's father. This was one reason why Courtney and Chris connected. Plus, Courtney knew the show in and out as well as how to take advantage of the loopholes before signing up, earning Chris's respect (even though he refused to admit it at first).

So now here they were, on their way to see Chris's mother. Chris was hoping this would be the last time. But he only came because his mother blackmailed him with embarrassing moments from his childhood; so there's a chance this may not be the last time. Yet she wonders why Chris hates her guts.

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><p>Chris and Courtney went up to the door of Chris's mother's house. Very reluctantly, Chris rang the doorbell. His mother answered the door. "So you've finally come crawling back, huh?" she sneered.<p>

"Only because you can never be trusted to keep secrets, Hilda," Chris muttered.

Chris's mother, Hilda, ignored her son and eyeballed Courtney. "Who is that skank you are with?" she asked.

"She's my girlfriend, ma!" Chris snapped. "And her name is Courtney!"

"You should be married with kids instead of hanging out with some gold-digger!" Hilda scoffed.

Courtney opened her mouth to scream at Hilda for her rudeness and hypocrisy, but Chris cut her off and grunted "Let's just get this over with!" as he trudged in, with Courtney following behind.

"What, do you not like visiting your mother?!" Hilda demanded. She paused. "Don't bother answering; you never appreciate everything I've done for you!" She turned to Courtney. "Make me a cup of tea. No sugar or milk. Got it?!"

Chris grabbed Courtney's arm as she headed to the kitchen. "I'll do it," he whispered to her. "She's just being a sexist bitch as usual."

"No, I insist," Courtney hissed. "I don't want to be left alone in a room with her." She headed off to the kitchen, realising how much Hilda reminded her of her asshole father. Chris sighed and sat down on the couch right across from the chair his mother was sitting in.

"Ingrate," Hilda muttered.

"I heard that," Chris glared. "I finally go out of my way to come and see you and this is the thanks I get?"

"If I hadn't blackmailed you, you wouldn't have come," Hilda retorted.

"If you weren't such a horrible mother and a horrible wife to Dad-"

"Don't bring up that man in this house!" Hilda scoffed.

"He didn't do anything wrong to you!" Chris glared. "He never abandoned you! You stole everything from him; his money, his house, his son, his **life**!"

"Well it's none of your damn business!" Hilda snapped at Chris.

"It is **too **my damn business if he's my father!" Chris banged his fist on the coffee table with rage.

Hilda's jaw dropped. "That. Is. Mahog-"

"Tea's here!" Courtney announced, as she came into the room with a tray of three mugs of tea. She carefully laid the tray on the table and sat down next to Chris.

"So when are you getting married?" Hilda asked Chris.

"Whenever we feel like-" Courtney tried to reply, but Hilda cut her off.

"I wasn't talking to you, slut!"

"Excuse **you**, ma, but that "slut" is the only woman for me!" Chris shouted.

"If you think I'm going to trust her to carry my grandchildren you're terribly mistaken!" Hilda sneered at Chris.

"Yeah? But **if **I ever give you grandkids, you are never going to be allowed to see them!" Chris yelled. "They're not fucking accessories and I hope you don't think they're going to be dildos either!"

Hilda was shocked. "How DARE you talk to yer mother with this attitude, you little prick-wanker?!" she demanded. She paused to take a sip of her tea. Next, threw the cup onto the floor, smashing it. She glared at Courtney. "This tastes like shit!" she snarled at Courtney. "What is wrong with you?!"

"What is wrong with **you**?!" Courtney fired back at Hilda. "I'm not sure what piss and shit taste like, but I doubt they taste the same!"

Hilda was horrified. "Wha-wha-DAFUQ DID YOU PUT IN THIS!"

"Sugar. Milk," Courtney smirked. "I even used all of the milk in your fridge and all of the sugar in your bowl. I said they might taste like piss because I'm pretty sure you've pissed on them as you did on Chris and Frederick's dreams!"

"Don't. You. EVER. Bring up. That name. In this house!" Hilda snarled at Courtney.

"Who, Chris's father?" Courtney jeered. "The same man who would've given Chris a way better childhood if it weren't for a certain gold-digging cunt like yourself?" Hilda immediately reached over and slapped Courtney right across the face. Courtney sat in the couch in shock.

Chris rose from his seat and slapped his mother. She was even more shocked. "Shocking when the same shit you put other people through happens to you, huh?" Chris glared. "You can fuck up dad's life and my childhood. You can turn me into a scapegoat. You can belittle me all you want. But NEVER lay a finger on my girlfriend! EVER!"

"You bastard!" Hilda shouted, kneeing Chris in the balls. Courtney rose up and pushed Hilda to the floor.

Next, the CIT kicked her. "I've dealt with many hypocrites, even the one in the mirror," Courtney breathed. "But so far you are the only one who has stooped to the same level as my biological father who "pretended" to be my father." Hilda lifted her leg and kicked Courtney in the crotch. Courtney grabbed her crotch in pain.

"Well no matter what, you'll always be a fat slut with zero personality who's a parasite to life in general and you should kill yourself!" Hilda grunted.

Chris, as soon as he could tolerate his painful groin attack, grabbed the edge of the coffee table and flipped it over onto Hilda, pouring hot tea all over her. "Kill the bitch," he said to Courtney. Courtney, having recovered from her groin attack to an extent as well, smirked at Chris.

"Way ahead of you!" Courtney laughed.

Hilda was frightened when she heard that. "WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!" she screamed.

"Well, I actually did put piss in your mug," Courtney smirked. "Along with rat poison." The CIT checked her watch. "Chris, you have thirty minutes to gather whatever you want to take with you, because we're never coming back here again."

"I b-burned *wheeze* everything you l- *wheeze* left behind!" Hilda spluttered. "Y-you bollocks!"

"Hey, at least she can die alone," Chris laughed, following Courtney outside. "Did you actually plan this all along?"

"I did," Courtney smirked. "It's not fair that my "dad" has received his just desserts while your "mom" hasn't. Until now!"

"You are the most kickass girlfriend a handsome host could ask for," Chris beamed at Courtney as they got into the limo.

"Hey, I owed you one after you blackmailed our former doctor into getting my tubes tied," Courtney told him. "He's lucky I didn't sue him because it's none of his business whether you and I have kids or not."

"Thank God for connections," Chris laughed. "I remember getting my vasectomy at 19 and I literally had to sleep with my doctor to convince him to get me one. No child support for me. Who are ya texting anyway?" he asked Courtney, as she was typing on her phone.

"Let's just say, I'm not waiting half an hour just to watch this," Courtney answered, sending the text. "You can look at Hilda's house now." Chris obeyed. At first, it looked like a normal house, except being a metaphor for a black hole that sucked everything in that was good about Chris's childhood.

Suddenly, it went up in flames.

"No way!" Chris cackled. "That is awesome!"

"I had Izzy plant some explosives," Courtney smiled. "I knew you'd like them."

"That is the best gift ever!" Chris laughed, as the limo drove off. "And it's not even my birthday, Christmas or Valentine's Day!"

"So what's my reward?" Courtney smirked with a kinky tone.

"Sex, duh!" Chris replied. Then they took off their shirts.

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><p><strong>I figured one reason Chris is who he is might have had something to do with his childhood, and the same for Courtney. Not sure whatever it was that made them the characters they are, but this fic is how I'd imagine they'd retaliate against people who've bullied them in their childhoods. Obviously, Chris and Courtney's actions should not be carried out in real life (it'd be easier to just cut the assholes in your life out of it anyway), and the same goes for Hilda's and Courtney's father's actions as well. I think there's some aesop in the actual story, but contrary to the title, if there is, then I don't think I've handled it properly. It's definitely family unfriendly. Of course, the fic is only for drama and entertainment.<br>**

**Until next time.**


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